Knowing
by Tiny Wolverine
Summary: In his last moments, an Angel makes his final choice to die by the hand of his beloved. SPOILERS Kawoshin Kaoru/Shinji -through Kaoru's eyes-


**Knowing  
**_by Dawn

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_

Not even one week.

He didn't _have_ one week.

All these years he had been alive.

And now, he had barely a week to live.

Why?

_Because I will die. Either way, in the end – I will die. _

Nagisa Kaoru stuck his hands in his pockets, and gazed up at the pink ribbon in the sky – the end of another day. A day closer to his death.

_But do I really care whether I lived or died? I have seen so much... I know so much... I know that death is something I cannot avoid. I know that the afterlife is much less stressful and complicated then this one. So do I really care?_

The answer was yes.

_Shinji..._

It was all that boy's fault.

Kaoru's lips curled a little.

_I blame him, and then blame myself for blaming him. He's too naive, too innocent – how can I fault him? I love him. It's my fault too, partially. So... If I blame him, I blame myself._

The white-blond boy sighed, and turned away from the setting sun. A shadow passed over his face, and he stepped away.

_Shinji... I wish you would accept me._

--

Kaoru's stream of memories broke off when he looked up at the giant Eva, away from Lilith, with Shinji inside it. _Of course. It had to be him inside. If it was Rei or Asuka, I would crush them, immediately, without another thought. But it's not. Because it's Shinji, I hesitate._

Shinji's laboured breath caught the boy's attention. Kaoru looked up at him, still keeping the mask of his smile on his face._ If this was some other situation... I'd hold him in my arms, and promise that I would never let him go._

"If you go the slightest bit further," Kaoru heard Shinji gasp out, "I won't hold back."

The false certainty in his voice almost caused Kaoru to burst out laughing. Shinji would never hurt him. Not only because the brunette felt something for Kaoru, but because Kaoru was still distinctly human. And Shinji would never attempt to take a human's life if he could help it.

Softly, Kaoru whispered, "I wonder... Even if I am an Angel... could you lay a hand on something that looks human?"

Shinji's gasp of shock was enough. He would not touch Kaoru.

Kaoru turned to look at Lilith, and smiled. "It seems that, if I made contact with this... the Third Impact will happen." He glanced back at Shinji, eyes goading him.

Shinji tensed.

_What am I doing?_ Kaoru almost slapped himself. Taunting Shinji...

"All forms of life," Kaoru continued, stepping towards Shinji slightly, "Including the one that had made contact with it, would perish. And that includes you Lilim too." Kaoru shot Shinji a faintly amused look. "Either way, you have a tough choice."

The brunette in the Eva let out a soft cry of indecision. Kaoru waited, gazing at where he knew the boy would be steadily. _Shinji..._

"If you stop now, we don't have to fight." His voice was pleading, terrified. "Turn back!"

Kaoru shook his head, and laughed quietly. "Don't have to fight, now do I? As self-serving as usual, Shinji..." The boy laughed again, and stepped even closer to the Eva. "Let me tell you something else that's interesting, Shinji. Even if the Third Impact occurs, people will not simply _perish_ as you believe they would. As a matter of fact, they would be reborn as something new – singular and whole. A single entity. And this, Shinji, would bring around the world you have wished for.

"A.T. Fields would be rendered unnecessary. Wars, conflicts... the suffering and sorrow of losing friends and family... you won't have to worry about this anymore, Shinji."

Kaoru looked over his shoulder at Lilith again, and drifted upwards, so he was eye-level with the Eva.

"And yet," the boy said quietly, "despite what you wish for... You say you would stop me."

"I... won't... let... the... Third... Impact... happen..." Shinji got out.

He must be hyperventilating again – Kaoru felt a pang of sadness and worry. _Oh, Shinji..._

_I want him to kill me_, he realized suddenly, as he gazed straight at Shinji, his smile still playing on his lips. _Because I would die either way... I want to die by his hand. Because I love him, and because I know he loves me too. He would kill me... for me._

Kaoru noticed that Shinji had taken out his progressive knife and was pointing it straight at Tabris himself – the seventeenth and next-to-last Angel left in this world.

"That knife won't do anything against me," Kaoru reminded Shinji gently, not even bothering to take his hands out of his pockets. "Remember?"

Shinji's arm – and the Eva's arm – was shaking.

_Shinji..._

Kaoru's heart ached.

Tearing himself away from his feelings, Kaoru whispered, "This is my destiny, Shinji. I am the fated child that was born for this time from the very beginning." He half-turned, as if to make for Lilith and end the world.

"_Stop_!!"

He turned, and saw Shinji's hand reaching out to him, a useless attempt to stop him. Kaoru almost laughed, but then stopped himself.

_You're going to die, Kaoru._

"However," he added in the same, soft tone he employed before, stopping Shinji's hand in its tracks. "I also have a will."

Shinji hesitated.

Kaoru continued, "I am able to choose my own destiny, Shinji."

Shinji's inhalation of shock caused Kaoru to blink.

"Don't get me wrong," he warned, almost teasingly, "Because I'm not saying this for you. If I turn around, the old geezers won't let it go unchallenged."

"Old... men...?" Shinji half-whispered.

Kaoru smiled, ignoring his question, and whispered, half to himself, "They'll probably eliminate me at once. After all... they held my life in their hands from the outset."

In a louder voice, Kaoru continued, "Whether I cause the Third Impact or not, I will, either way, cease to exist as an individual. To be honest, I don't really care about the Third Impact."

_A tool. _That was what he was, and always would be. _Will I ever be myself?_

And then, he realized.

_I _am_ myself. Whenever I'm around Shinji... He allows me to be myself, even though I've lied to him all this while. He's my life now..._

_And he'll take it away._

"The only liberty left to me... is that I can choose the form of my own death." Kaoru sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. He laughed quietly, and looked straight at Shinji again.

"I want you to kill me, Ikari Shinji. I want to die by your hand alone."

He heard Shinji gasp, and saw the Eva tense up. The hand lifted away from him. Kaoru's heart ached again, but he kept himself still, kept the smile on his face. _Shinji..._

"What are you saying?" Shinji choked out. Kaoru forced himself not to blink, not to look away.

"Didn't you hear me?" It was hard to keep his voice steady now. "I want you to kill me." He lifted his right hand to his chest, as if hurt, but actually to feel his heart beating – _your beats are numbered now._

"If you even had the slightest feelings for me..." Kaoru smiled a little wider. "Then kill me with that hand." He glanced at the hand that had been reaching out to stop him, but now was still.

Memories flashed in Kaoru's mind, and he half-smiled to himself.

"Just like that cat, Shinji, back then."

He knew Shinji would understand. He would remember.

"That's not fair," Shinji burst out. "If I'm told like that, there's no way I can do it!" Kaoru heard Shinji's laboured breathing, and forced himself to tune it out.

"If you liked me at all, you would grant me my dying wish," Kaoru murmured.

Shinji's breath slowed.

"I... can't."

Kaoru looked up, barely surprised.

"Even if I'm told like that... I can't just kill someone who won't fight back."

_Even though I said it was my final request..._

"Why not?" Kaoru shot him a curious look, and then realized the answer himself. "It's because you're afraid of feeling guilty, aren't you?" he said softly. "You're not thinking about me at all... You really hate me that much."

_It hurts to say it, but it's true – at least, to Shinji. I wish... I wish I could tell you how much I really did love you... and I wish we would have a future together._

"I don't hate you!" Shinji cried. Kaoru could sense his panic, and refused to let himself say something to comfort the brunette. "I never said that I hated you," Shinji whispered, and the Eva went limp.

Kaoru smiled once, widely.

"Then... show me your heart, Shinji."

The boy hesitated.

"Your next action would be proof of your feelings for me." Kaoru blinked once, slowly, and refused to let himself close his eyes, forcing himself to watch...

The Eva's hand, hesitantly, reached out and surrounded Kaoru's body in its vastness. Kaoru looked up, and met Shinji's gaze through the Eva's screen.

The blond boy smiled, widely.

"That's it," Kaoru encouraged. "Don't use a weapon. Leave the feeling of squeezing me to death in that hand of yours... That way you wouldn't forget me even if you tried... would you, Shinji?"

Shinji tensed again.

"Just like the people you had lost so far..."

Shinji suddenly relaxed, and then gazed at Kaoru with a surprising gentleness.

"Probably... without a doubt."

The Eva's other hand wrapped itself around the first.

Kaoru closed his eyes.

_I love you, Shinji._

Pain... cracking, broken, shattered...

And then nothing.

_This is how it was supposed to end.

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**Um so yeah, aaaangsttt....**

**My first Evangelion oneshot! Hopefully not my last :D**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Not even the dialogue. How sad is that?**

**Oh, and this takes place during Kaoru's last moments... Which is why I said SPOILER in the summary ;) Originally it was supposed to be something different and more drabble-like... I didn't expect this one to end up so long.**

**Anyway.**

**I wrote this in one hour!**

**Wow.**

**Anyway, I'm going to bed now...**

**Review please! **


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